Oliver at his most fashionable.
Source: Photo by Sean Grover
Oliver was a member of our family for 17 years. From elementary school to college, my kids chased him around the house. He didn’t mind when they dressed him in ridiculous outfits, pretended he was a flying Japanese river spirit, or cast him as a villain in their silly spy videos. From a bouncy puppy to a fragile geezer, from kindergarten classrooms to college dorm rooms, Oliver appears in countless photos and videos wagging his tail, proud to be a member of our family.
As long as Oliver was home, you were never alone. He poked his wet nose into our memories in good times and bad. When my youngest daughter was in the hospital for weeks, Oliver refused to leave her room at night, sleeping uncharacteristically at the foot of her bed. When my wife’s father died during COVID, he crawled in her lap to nuzzle and comfort her. When my oldest daughter developed a fear of the dark, Oliver became the perfect sleeping companion.
Like many loyal pets, Oliver was attuned to our emotional lives in a way other human beings may fail us. Without him, our home feels as empty as his blanket under our bookcase and the water bowl in our kitchen.
What makes a cat or dog's death so devastating?
A relationship with a family cat or dog is uniquely intimate, an irreplaceable bond. Human relationships can be complex and transient, but the love and companionship of a pet endure. Friends may come and go, but a pet remains a constant in your life, providing stability and comfort. We may change jobs, homes, or romantic partners—but we never change pets,
A cat or dog is more than just a companion; they are love and affection on tap, always there to welcome you home, as soothing as your favorite chair or cozy comforter.
Why the death of a family dog or cat is so hard
You may not realize how deeply your cat or dog is a part of your life until their death. It’s not unusual to feel remorse after they’ve passed. I instantly regretted the times I lamented late-night walks or expensive vet bills. In the final analysis, pets give far more than they need.
There are many reasons the death of a pet can be heartbreaking. Here are the most common:
- Unconditional love. Dogs and cats offer affection freely, with no strings attached and no thorny complications. We provide the home and food; they provide affection and warmth. The closest relationship is with children, but as they grow older, they naturally move on. A dog or cat wants to be by your side forever.
- Consistency. If you’re out and about, chances are your cat or dog is waiting for you to come home. Day after day, week after week, year after year, you perform the same routines, say the exact phrases, and play the same games. Few other relationships offer such consistency.
- Routines. Pets provide daily routines and structures in our lives. We buy food, play with them, talk to them, and even speak about them when they’re not around: “I have to go home and feed my cat.” “I have to walk my dog.” I estimated that we walked Oliver around our neighborhood approximately 17,000 times in his lifetime. How many walks have you taken with a friend?
- Attachment. Once a pet attaches to you, it is for life. Through thick and thin, they will be by your side. Projecting our feelings onto our pets only strengthens our attachment. We feel understood, even when our dog and cat are clueless about our discussion topics.
- Accumulated Memories. Years together means accumulating memories together. You age with your pet. You may recall them as a puppy or kitten. Perhaps they were there during difficult times or when you faced challenging situations. Such memories bond us to our pets in ways that are hard to duplicate.
What to do after a dog or cat dies
Pet owners understand the power of losing a pet better than non-pet owners, who may look at you and think, “It’s only a dog! Get a life!” Other pet owners feel your pain and make better companions when you're grieving. I recently shared my loss with a stranger in an elevator. They immediately spoke about when their cat died, and we became instant friends.
How to recover? Take your time to mourn and remember. We created a collection of Oliver videos and photos that remind us how fun he was. I framed a picture of him that hangs among our family photos. It's important to honor the loss and not rush into getting a new pet. Each pet is unique, and allowing yourself to grieve and remember the joy your pet brought into your life is essential.
My family plans on grieving for Oliver for a long time. We imagine him in pet heaven, chasing squirrels or hanging his head out of a car window, smiling doggy ear to doggy ear.
