Dear Lucas: I recently moved in with my girlfriend of two years, and I have to say I can’t stand her dog. Every time we are sitting together on the couch, the dog forces his way in between us. When we try to leave the house together, he cries and tries to jump in the car. Not to mention how he follows her all over the house and gets jealous when she shows me the slightest bit of attention. I feel like I’m having to constantly fight for my girlfriend’s attention because of her clingy dog. I don’t know if I can do this anymore.
Dear Reader: Ah, this can be a tricky one. Moving in with a romantic partner can be a very volatile time.
Fortunately, there are a couple of ways you can play this.
Since it is considered bad taste to bully someone else’s dog, one option is to get your own animal and/or army of animals to cancel her dog out.
Longtime readers of this column know I have a hostile relationship with the local groundhog community. However, nothing makes a dog crazier than a bunch of furry, four-legged critters running around eating acorns and digging up your utility lines.
One option is to kidnap a bunch of groundhogs and set them loose in the backyard. Having a small battalion of Punxsutawney Phils should be more than enough to keep her dog focused on the windows and not on micromanaging your relationship.
Another option is to get a house-donkey. Yeah, it’s just a donkey, but it lives in the house. Donkeys can be antagonistic toward dogs, especially if your dog, like mine, is a Republican. Also, if your girlfriend’s pup gets extra annoying, you can always climb on the donkey’s back to get out of the dog’s reach for a few minutes.
Avoid going overboard and getting something ferocious like a llama or a Komodo Dragon. Llamas have their own style of martial arts called Peruvian Hoish-Maloish and will beat you down if you mess with their preferred patches of grass (Alpacas, however, are OK). Komodo Dragons are just video game bosses that God liked so much he made them in real life. The goal is not to traumatize your girlfriend’s dog, but to distract it from your budding relationship.
There’s always the option of breaking up with your girlfriend and moving out, but that doesn’t sound nearly as much fun, right?
Previous questions
Ask Lucas: My wife doesn’t want to help me with all the leaves
Ask Lucas: My husband keeps startling me awake at night
Ask Lucas: My girlfriend won’t stop biting me
Ask Lucas: How do I stop my Browns-obsessed boyfriend from ruining my weekends this year?
Ask Lucas: People keep stealing my political signs from my lawn
Look at this handsome fella. His name is Lucas and he will be writing more columns like this, despite common sense saying this should stop while he’s ahead. If you want to send hate mail or, for some reason, ask for his advice, please send an email to ldaprile@cleveland.com.
