Dear Eric: I am in my 70s so I should know better. Almost two years ago I had to put my 13-year-old Yorkshire Terrier named Shorty to sleep. This broke my heart.
Within a couple of months, I decided to get another dog, this time a Gold Dust Yorkie named Buddy. I realize now this was such a big mistake. I should not have done this so quickly.
What I truly feel guilty about is I’m not even sure if I care for Buddy. I just can’t seem to get Shorty out of my mind. At the time we did everything we could for him but now I think we could have done more.
Can you please give me some advice on how I can get past this? I am really driving myself crazy with this thinking. But most of all I am not being fair to Buddy.
– Missing Shorty
Dear Missing: I’m so sorry for the loss of Shorty. Grief after a pet’s death can be as complicated and long-lasting as the grief you feel after losing any other loved one. So, please grant yourself some grace. You’re doing the best you can.
And I can see why getting Buddy seemed like a logical and healthy coping strategy. For many people, getting another pet is exactly the right thing to do.
From your letter, it doesn’t sound like you’re neglecting Buddy, and I hope that’s the case. What it seems like, instead, is that you’re having trouble feeling as close to Buddy as you want. Try to remember that your relationship with Shorty developed over 13 years. As with any other relationship, nothing is going to replace it. Your heart will heal but you’ll always hold Shorty in it, just under the scar.
This doesn’t mean there’s no room for Buddy. But the relationship is going to feel different. That is OK. Give Buddy the love and care that you can and try not to chastise yourself for not feeling the way you want to feel. Dogs are smart, especially around emotions. It’s possible that Buddy knows, in some way, that you’re navigating grief. Maybe what you both need right now is to walk through it together.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
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