The comedian Bill Bailey, 60, has fostered everything from hens to armadillos in the past. At the moment he and his wife, Kris, share their west London home with two dogs and four cockatoos.
What’s the lowdown on your pets?
We’ve got two Belgian Malinois-husky-cross dogs that are nearly two — brother and sister Loki and Lucu. They’re beautiful, good-natured and great guard dogs. They came from somebody we knew who had pups. My dad’s little rescue dog, Louie, is part of the gang, and we’ve got four cockatoos that we’ve had for years: a Moluccan, a citron-crested one, a triton and a palm. The oldest, Jakob, is probably in her fifties [Jakob is female]. They can repeat their names and say ’allo in different accents.
With the cockatoos it’s almost like a fostering service. As you can imagine, parrot-fostering is a small world, so your name often comes up — to the point where people just turn up with things. One day a cockatiel landed on a car nearby. People in the pub said, “Oh, that’s probably Bill and Kris’s.” So they brought it round. We said, “Well, that’s not ours.”
The comedian with one of his parrots
ALAMY
What other animals have you had in the past?
We looked after a couple of Flemish giant rabbits. They were great fun. They’d flop around nibbling a bit of grass. One day I saw an adolescent fox creep up behind this big rabbit. I was just about to run out when the rabbit turned round and walloped the fox in the face with its back legs — a proper double ninja kick — and the fox just bolted.
We also had a breeding pair of three-banded armadillos, Tommy and Pamela, and they got very amorous during lockdown, like many people, so we had an armadillo baby, which was very cute.
To what extent do the animals share your life?
A lot of the ones we had were outside in enclosures so they weren’t strictly pets. The dogs and the cockatoos live in the flat. We’ve got a glass aviary in the centre where the birds can hang out. They’re flock animals, so they like to be around activity.
We have mobile perches for them, or they’ll sit on your shoulder and have a bit of buttered toast. When Jakob first came to us all she ate was potato waffles. She’s back on fruit and seeds now. In the wild they like to forage, so you’ve got to make sure they’ve got things to shred. A cardboard box will do them all day. We’ve got a long covered-over area next to the flat, and they fly from one end to the other.
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What are the no-go areas in the home?
They’re not allowed in the bedroom, but the dogs do creep in quietly now and then and look really guilty. Sometimes other animals sneak in. I once found two chickens in the shower looking bewildered. Or they’d roost on a bookshelf, and you’d find an egg next to your A-Z.
Bailey and his wife share the dog-walking duties
Who’s in charge of dog-walking?
We mix it up. Occasionally a dog walker comes in. But if I’m around I love taking the dogs out. We walk them individually because they’re quite a handful together. I once went to Richmond Park with them both. Our dog walker had said that he clipped the lead onto his belt to keep hold of them, so I stupidly did this. Oh my God, I thought I was going to be dragged through the bushes, trousers down, and end up on the news.
What grooming do they get?
We give them a good brush every now and again and a big cloud of hair comes off them.
One of the giant Flemish rabbits
BILL BAILEY
Do your pets prefer certain members of the family?
One cockatoo, Luna, loves my dad. She screams to come out of the cage, then perches on his shoulder. I think it’s partly because he likes to wear a jumper and it’s easy to cling onto. She’ll nibble a bit of cracker off him. It’s very sweet.
What embarrassing antics have your pets indulged in?
We had a fantastic gang of chickens for a while, and one day during lockdown I was doing a live high-profile TV show with the laptop set up in the garden. When they said I wouldn’t be on for another ten minutes, I went in for a cup of tea. But, unbeknown to me, they pushed me up the order. They said: “We are now going to Bill Bailey …”. And there was this gigantic chicken’s head peering into the camera.
The beloved pet parrots have caused some damage to Bailey’s home
The most important object that they have destroyed?
The parrots are very destructive. They nibbled through some wooden blinds in a house we were renting, which cost us a fortune to replace.
Do the dogs have fashionable accessories?
No. They would look at you with such disdain.
What was the best pet you’ve ever had?
Rocky the Patterdale terrier. He was my wife’s dog and lived with us on a houseboat I had. He was like a latchkey dog. He’d take himself off to the park with a ball and drop it in front of people. He used to come in the van with me to gigs. Sometimes he’d come on stage and fall asleep under the keyboard. He was a magic dog.
And the worst pet?
We had a giant Malay fighting cock, Kid Creole. For ages he was fine. Then he just took against me — he would wait in a corner and run at me, whack me on the back of my legs and draw blood. It was terrifying. I was a prisoner in my own house. So he had to go.
What’s your fantasy pet?
Wolves are great and you wouldn’t worry about burglars. Cassowaries are amazing birds. It would be nice to look at them stalking round the garden, but you couldn’t give them a scruffle round the ear and sneak them a bit of cheese.
Extraordinary Portraits with Bill Bailey is on BBC One and iPlayer every Friday until March 14
