Just when I think I’ve addressed all the world’s pressing situations and bizarre ideas, something perfect lands in my lap. I feared I would need to go back to writing about my latest haircut (spoiler alert: I need one soon) or the weather (“Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it”). Suddenly, as if sent by the cosmos, a topic of profound proportions sniffed my leg.
Rick Brown
Dolce & Gabbana, a fashion house in Italy, launched an alcohol-free perfume for dogs. I’m just guessing here, but I think most dogs would prefer to have a little vodka mixed into their coat so if their owners insist on dousing them with perfume, they can lick themselves to tolerate the stench.
To a dog, there’s nothing like sitting on the couch with your owner, binge watching “Saved By the Bell” with a good buzz. Especially if you have no other choice.
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Naturally not all pet owners or veterinarians agree on the safety of the perfume. I imagine most vets find no issue with the stuff that sells for more than $100 for almost four ounces, especially if the company holds its next sales convention in Hawaii and invites dog professionals for free. But just because you “can” doesn’t mean you “should.”
What do dogs think of the perfume?
Compared to humans, dogs can detect odors more than 100,000 times better than humans. Sure, we have some conveniently placed thumbs and pretty good vision, especially when it comes to fast food, but dogs can smell things we know nothing about.
Namely fear. All dogs can quickly sum me up with a sniff or two, concluding that I have some unresolved issues with my first girl friend from sixth grade and a few stemming from a growling dog I encountered while delivering newspapers in 1963.
Why cover up that exquisite sense of smell with a perfume, aptly named “Fefé”? Consumers (people, not the dogs) describe the smell as a blend of ylang ylang, musk and sandalwood.
According to Google, ylang ylang smells “dreamy and romantic, featuring floral notes nuanced with aspects of creamy, balsamic and powdery custard, intoxicating jasmine, sweet, slightly pungent banana, light and bitter neroli and sensual, sugary honey.” Yum. You might want to use a spoon while sitting next to your dog on the couch.
Regardless of all that marketing hype, animals navigate the world in a different way than humans. I recall a time when one of my former partners decided to only use filtered water for the cats who let us live in the same house with them. That worked well for awhile until she noticed that the cats enjoyed drinking out of the toilet bowl just as much as the cat bowl. I feared she would insist on only flushing our toilets with filtered water.
If you can’t tell, I am not particularly a “dog person.” I use that term to describe someone who lives comfortably with dogs. I always feel a certain amount of tension around dogs, as if they can smell my snarky attitude and will have none of it. My sister always owned a dog. I concluded that she wanted the privilege to yell at a creature that couldn’t yell back. We all have our own reasons for the animals in our lives.
If it makes any difference, and to prove that I do have a sincere heart, I have taken to naming the squirrels that live around my house. All the grown ones are called Sinclair and the younger ones are called Updike. Since they all look alike — and none of them really care a whit about me — we have an agreed-upon truce. Now, if I can just get them to wear a special new perfume I’m developing, “Fuzzy Bóne,” we’ll all get along just fine — at $100 for a four-ounce bottle.
THE AUTHOR freelance journalist Rick Brown covers entertainment in central Nebraska where he writes columns on various topics and frequently smells like teen spirit. Reach him at Rick@YardLightMedia.com.
