Apparently, my husband promised her we would rehome our well-trained labradoodle, and he just “forgot” to tell me. I am furious at everyone involved, but my mother-in-law refuses to live in the house with a dog. She says she will live on her own, and neither my husband nor I think that is a good idea.
My husband is now pushing for us to rehome the dog “for a little while,” but I just know “a little while” will turn into “forever.” He is calling me cold and uncaring toward his mother.
Is there any way I can salvage my marriage, my relationship with my mother-in-law and my beloved pet?
— Mother-in-Law or the Dog?
Mother-in-Law or the Dog?: What the ever-whatting what.
The answer to rehoming the dog is no, permanently, and not just because your husband was out of line in ways I don’t have the word count to do justice.
The answer is no because it is an extreme and harmful accommodation to a preference, not a necessity.
And his attempt to shift the blame onto you? This is why so many of us choose canine companionship over human.
He blew this. He thought it was a good idea to appease his mother at your expense. He saw your reaction coming and chose to sidestep it by cutting you out of the decision, then lying to you by omission. So call his ploy out for the weaselry it is. In marriage counseling, if it’s not his first weasel show.
Declaring the dog issue settled throws the mother-in-law negotiations back to the beginning, I get that. But that’s where they always were. Her running your household was a nonstarter, always, whether she was banishing Fluffy or claiming your bedroom for herself. Anything they agreed to after the point he agreed to the unreasonable conditions of someone in cognitive decline was all purely fictional gain. Does he think this is her last out-there demand?
It’s awful for people who lose their faculties to the point they must forfeit their independence. Just awful. It is also common and understandable for people in that position to seize on — with an iron grip — things they hope to control. It’s also understandable for the most invested witness to this heartbreak (her son) to want appeasement so badly, he’ll consider anything, up to and including weasel tactics that hurt another loved one (you, Fluffy) whom he figures (incorrectly) he can worry about later.
Point being, your family isn’t breaking new ground here.
But your husband and mother-in-law are both choosing expediency all the way to misery. Absolutely, you and your husband owe his mother dignity, plus all the agency you can reasonably give her. But that always had to be balanced against your own agency. They ignored that second part, and you’re living the mess they made.
It falls to you to steer them, husband first, back to basics:
· Your mother-in-law doesn’t run your home.
· Anyone with “enough signs of mental decline” to warrant supportive care no longer gets to make unsafe decisions for herself, no matter how achingly badly she wants to.
· If she can’t or won’t participate reasonably, then it defaults to those who can. That includes exploring your legal means to decide for her. With the utmost compassion, but that’s true for all of you at every step.
· If she does not meet legal thresholds, then she can make bad decisions for herself. This is just how it is.
· She’s more likely to make good decisions if you and your husband are as clear about your boundaries as you are about welcoming her. “It would be our privilege to care for you” (with Husband taking the lead, make sure of it). To any of her conditions you’re not willing to meet: “No,” kindly but firmly and without further discussion. Then either offer something else or talk again tomorrow. When you’re present, every time.
· Can’t stop her from living alone? A wearable alert button and all the in-home care she can afford.
· Husband resists? Then this is a marriage problem.
· Maybe you didn’t mean it like this, but “send her to a nursing home” is the sound people make when they just don’t get it. I put this item last, but the chill of it could explain why this war came for your Fluffy. Call it the golden-age rule, that you don’t send Ma where you don’t want your heirs sending you.
Assisted living with memory care is often a different story. For the fuller version of it, especially costs, consult an elder-care manager. There’s an information line at eldercare.acl.gov. (I’m guessing they’ll side with Fluffy, too.)
