Q. We are planning a holiday with our close friends, probably to Devon. They’ve just told me they intend to bring their dog even though I’ve expressed doubts about that in the past. My husband and I don’t have pets and I am worried that this will restrict what we can do during the holiday. We’ll need a dog-friendly cottage and pubs and places to visit, as leaving the dog alone wouldn’t be an option. How do I discuss this without my friends getting defensive?
A The reason I don’t like animals is that I went out with so many as a teenager. Plus I shared a bedroom with my Steve Irwin-esque sister and there was always a lizard, snake or large rodent in a shoebox beneath her bed. At night I couldn’t sleep in case something escaped — something with venomous fangs intent on sinking them into my flesh.
Moving from Australia to England only made matters worse. Many of my English friends love their dogs more than their children; they keep their dogs at home and send their kids to high-class kennels such as Eton and Harrow.
They’re also in denial about the true nature of their pets.
An author pal of mine recently rented a Dorset manor for her 60th birthday. Another guest asked in our WhatsApp group whether she could bring her loveable little pooch — she made the dog sound so well-behaved that I suspected it had been toilet trained using pages from The New York Review of Books. Well, what she turned up with was a giant German shepherd. It resembled the kind of creature that could drag you into the underworld. The salivating beast looked at me as though I were a chew toy. When it then growled menacingly, the owner giggled: “He’s just playing. Satan’s so fun-loving!”
“Satan?!” I gasped. “Um, the fact that all German shepherds are invariably called Lucifer, Damien or Satan slightly belies the notion that they’re ‘fun loving’, don’t you think?”
But I was in the minority. When Satan decided that my leopard-skin shoe would look good between his foaming incisors, even my boyfriend ignored my outraged shrieks, giving Satan the kind of indulgent look he used to give me when we first got together.
Dogs can make holidays more complicated
ALAMY
When I told him and the assembled guests that it was either me or the dog, they only took a moment to reply: “Gee, Kath, we’re really going to miss you. Drive safely.”
Not wanting to wreck my girlfriend’s birthday I gritted my teeth, but the dog ruined the weekend as far as I’m concerned. Walks were brought to an abrupt halt every five seconds while it sniffed something. It cleared rooms with its gassy explosions. At pubs we could only eat outside, in the freezing cold. So yes, I understand why your friends’ canine request is a major bone of contention — one they’ll gnaw with more ferocity as the holiday approaches.
• 25 of the best dog-friendly hotels in the UK
Many dog-loving Brits are going to want to have me put down for saying this, but nowhere does it state in your friendship vows that you have to cough up hair balls. You can’t just roll over and play dead — it’s time to address the issue.
Why not fake a dog-fur allergy? That way your friends can’t “get defensive”. Or try reverse psychology: agree that they can bring their dog as long as you can also bring your pet. Then go on to explain that snakes have had a rotten press since that whole business in the Garden of Eden. You just have to hope the rats you buy to feed your python don’t escape — the pregnant rats.
Then point out that there’s nothing like roaming your holiday cottage with a net and tranquilliser dart to put the fun into getting your deposit back. I predict a pet-free zone will be declared pronto.
Make it happen
Better than a cottage rental, where your friend’s hound will be able to leap all over you, steal your slippers and bark at passers-by, go for a hotel that welcomes dogs — but only in select rooms and areas. Tons of UK luxury hotels have such a policy and booking two rooms in this kind of place means that your indulgence of your friend’s dog habits stops at your door. Typically these hotels allow dogs in certain communal areas, such as bar lounges, but not in the restaurant, and certainly nowhere near the spa, as well as having rules about them having to be on leads in the grounds. Lympstone Manor, north of Exmouth and overlooking the River Exe, allows furry pals in its shepherd’s huts and two dedicated suites, as well as the Pool House Restaurant. The two ends of Exmouth beach are dog-friendly year-round (pooches aren’t welcome in the central section from May to September) or head inland to the heaths of Woodbury Common. B&B shepherd’s huts cost from £440 a night (lympstonemanor.co.uk).
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