I love the dog more than my girlfriend: Awkward!

“You like the dog more than me.”

As absurd as this accusation sounds, it’s one that gets leveled in almost all romantic relationships that involve cohabitating with pets. I’ve said it to exes before, and my girlfriend recently said it to me. (Apparently, I was giving the dog too much affection after an argument.) We’re not alone: A recent Pew Research Center study found that 51 percent of pet owners say their pets are “as much a part of their family as a human member,” and HuffPost recently reported on a poll that found that 38 percent of people actually do like their pets more than their partners. I’m no pet scientist, but I’d imagine those numbers increase after a fight. People certainly love their dogs more than their ex wives.

“That’s ridiculous!” I responded, not sure if I was lying. The charge was preposterous: The dog and I hadn’t gone on vacation alone together, I’d never Photoshopped his face over a photo of hers, and I’d certainly never accompanied him to work parties so he wouldn’t be the only one without a date.

Still, it forced a pensive moment. What if I did like the dog more? I’d certainly have a case. Dogs love us unconditionally, and they only want snacks, poop walks, and the occasional belly rub. People want the world. They yearn for a soulmate who makes up for everything their childhood lacked. Imagine such a needy ask from a dog—no one would adopt it.

Of course, anyone accused of liking the dog more must consider the context in which it was said. In my case, we’d just had a small spat, and in full passive-aggressive mode, I heaped endless affection on the suddenly confused canine. I might as well have said in that cutesy, repulsive dog talk voice, “You never get mad at me for being emotionally withholding, do you? Who’s the good boy that doesn’t mind if I don’t want to talk about work problems? Yes, you are!”

Clearly I was in the wrong there, but for most couples, it’s inevitable that a furry, pooping thing would affect the dynamic. It would be weird if it didn’t—with a new pet, it takes time to get used to no longer having your partner’s undivided attention, especially since they don’t just stand there staring at you while wagging their tail, waiting to be noticed. Of course, it might be strange for your significant other to see you acting in an enthusiastic manner they haven’t witnessed in ages: Suddenly you’re taking the dog to that park you both like, giving it leftovers from your favorite restaurant, and buying it presents that squeak.

What’s worse is that sometimes, in the morning when the dog first sees me, he and I walk slowly toward each other like velociraptors stalking their prey, until I break formation, at which point he goes nuts with excitement and we wrestle. I occasionally do this before saying good morning to my girlfriend, before kissing her, before even acknowledging her existence—all while there’s a hot cup of coffee waiting for me on the kitchen counter. Did the dog make that? No, she did. What an unappreciative dunce.

To play dachshund’s advocate for a second, it’s true that dogs, not humans, are the ones with a reputation for loyalty. Most relationships don’t last as long as a dog’s short life, and people sometimes leave each other after misfortunes like illness or job loss, whereas dogs have been known to stick by for all sorts of hard times. Such shortsighted thoughts tend to flash through our minds when our boyfriend or girlfriend draws a line in the kibble. You might even imagine sometimes, while patting the dog’s head, how you’d finagle a breakup so that you’d get to keep the dog (which would probably have to involve dognapping).

But the dogs vs. partners conversation is really about more than their unconditional love. A dog also represents freedom, and the single life you sometimes crave. Anyone in a somewhat long relationship vaguely entertains the forbidden fantasy of the other person vanishing—not in a horrible way, but just sort of never coming home, freeing us from the guilt of leaving. Yet we never have that thought about the dog. We never imagine the dog moving to another state for a job or getting accepted into the space program. The dog, in actuality, is pictured in all our post-vanishing fantasies, frolicking in a field with us or something stupid. Plus, with a dog, a breakup would be a cinch: It would ease the lonely transition to have a pooch by your side (assuming it wanted to go with you in the first place).

But much like my dog’s wish to pee on every tree in existence, this is all a big fantasy. Most of the time, we should probably take “You like the dog more than me” as nothing more than a harmless sign to be a little warmer to the person who said it. I’ve found that the best response is to simply play it off as a joke and start cuddling my beloved with the same exaggerated affection I might give a pet, yelping things like, “Who’s the bestest girlfriend in the world? It’s you! Yes it is.” Giggles turn into kisses and then maybe sex. Everyone’s happy.

Well, one party might not be happy: the one who got you into this mess. Let’s remember that the dog is by no means blameless. Dogs constantly insert themselves into any warm moment between two people. If I reach over on the sofa to squeeze my girlfriend’s hand during a movie, he sits on it. If I go to kiss her, his wet, sniffing nose pokes between our faces. He gets far too excited when either of us come home, and there’s no way we humans can match that instant enthusiasm for each other. With so few responsibilities, he should learn to read the room. Would it kill him to open his mouth just once and dissipate a little of the tension by saying, “I know I’m a good boy, but I don’t want to come between you two”?

The dog gets away with it all, though, because the sweet bastard is just so damn cute. In fact, the way my girlfriend cuddles him, I’ll probably lob the same accusation at her any day now. A canine can actually keep a relationship in check that way, binding you two together in a stalemate of running-off-with-the-dog fantasies. Isn’t it romantic?

When all is said and done, I’m not sure whether I like the dog more. It really depends on how runny his poop is that day. Based on sitcoms I’ve seen, the only clear solution is for my girlfriend and the dog to beckon me at the same time. Then we’ll see which one I go to.