‘It’s a soul connection’, dealing with the loss of a pet

HONOLULU (KHON2) — It was like any other day when Keoni H. and Kiki L. got up. Their cats were awake and playing; they got ready for the day.

What they didn’t expect was that their cat of 12 years had eaten a bit a chocolate from a crumb on the floor; he was dying.

The loss of a pet can be an isolating experience. Unless you have a support system around you that normalizes your experience, you may never properly grieve the loss.

Keoni and Kiki spent the next few days mourning their favorite furry companion. They let their friends know on social media, and they slowly began to heal.

“Millie was such a precious soul,” confided Keoni. “She was always the first to greet us when we got home, and the last to say goodnight when we went to sleep. She was the nurturer of our little cat family. She is deeply missed.”

But what they didn’t have is a ready-made emotional and social infrastructure in which they could gather with friends and family and mourn the loss of a life that meant a great deal to them.

This grieving process is known as a disenfranchised grief experience. This is when someone experiences a loss that is not within the prescribed area of mourning for society. Amongst these are tragedies such as losing a home and possessions, losing a pet, a miscarriage, etc…

So, with so many people experiencing grief over a pet’s death and with little social infrastructure to support and the grief experience, how do people come to terms with loss?

For the answer to this, KHON2.com turned to Rosemarie Grigg who has been overseeing the Hawaiian Humane Society’s Pet Loss Support Group for the last 24 years.

“It’s about moving through the grief since you can’t simply get over it,” said Grigg. “Disenfranchised grief is when your grieving doesn’t fit in with your larger society’s attitude about dealing with death and loss, like with pets,” explained Grigg. “It’s the lack of support received when we’re grieving for a loss that is not a part of a pre-ordained social pact like with human death,”

She has been working with members of the community to help them cope with pet loss and sees this mission as a calling.

Grieving is also experienced when a person has to make the awful decision of ending a pet’s life due to medical issues that are beyond their control.

This is what Jacob Sbragia experienced with his beloved dog, Koda.

“My parents got Koda as a pet for me and my brothers when we were living in China,” said Sbragia. “He was this cute, little puppy that became a huge part of my life. He was there for all the milestones, everything I did. Even when I came home from college, Koda was there waiting for me.”

Due to Koda’s age, Sbragia had to have him euthanized. Grigg said that this is quite common for folks in their 20s to experience.

Their pets have gone through all the developmental milestones both physically and socially, making them a key component of a person’s childhood memories. Saying goodbye to a companion who has seen it all is like allowing your past slip into the unknown.

“We’ve had group members that come into our group that are very young,” explained Grigg. “The 20 somethings, the 21-, 22- 23-year-olds, who grew up with a little puppy or a little kitten. These pets saw them through each of their developmental milestones, maybe the first time they went to school, maybe the first time they had a broken tooth, their first girlfriend or boyfriend, maybe that little dog was right there with them to support them lost when they lost their grandma or grandpa.”

Regardless of the reason, these pets have been their emotional support companion for years; and that emotional support is suddenly absent.

Interestingly, HHS’s pet grief support group has members from all across the United States.

Grigg isn’t sure if other humane societies have pet loss groups, but she does know that folks everywhere are finding HHS’s support group and are utilizing it to work through their grief.

One way that folks in HHS’s pet loss support services have found is through the work of David Anderson. A prolific artist, he provides those grieving with personalized portraits painted of their pet, free of charge.

“I just love dogs,” exclaimed Anderson. “I love their faces, their expressions, their empathetic eye. They are amazing creatures that make life so much more interesting. I love being able paint them.”

Anderson has been working with Grigg for years helping those who are grieving to find a sympathetic and empathetic support system, and his work spans thousands of portraits.

“Some of our group members say it’s a soul connection,” explained Grigg. “For many, it’s an especially difficult loss. I bring compassion to our group to support every group member that comes in whatever way they choose to share with the group, as does all of our group members.”

Grigg provided a list of resources that can be used to

Grigg continues the pet loss support group via zoom, which they moved to permanently when the pandemic hit in 2020. She said that they never missed a meeting and continue to meet once a month via zoom.

If you are grieving the loss of a pet, then you can join the HHS’s support group at any time. Grigg and those in her group are there for you.