Letting a pet go is especially difficult at or near the holidays, but certain approaches can help. COURTESY PHOTO
This time last year, I was facing the holidays with no pet in my home for the first time in, well, my whole life. In October, my dog Harper, just a month shy of 15 years, had succumbed to the cancer that had been diagnosed two years previously. She died in the fullness of her years, having led an amazing and adventurous life, but the pain was still hard to bear.
I had been preparing for her death for several months after the cancer had roared back from seeming remission. The realization that she would be gone soon was possibly more difficult than when we actually said that final goodbye.
That anticipatory grief is the sorrow we experience when we recognize that life is finite, says Susan P. Cohen, DSW, who counsels people, including pet lovers, on transitions and loss. “It’s seeing it coming and working really hard to buy as much time as you can in a way that’s good for them, too.”
Anticipatory grief can help to cushion the eventual loss. Studies have shown that when people know and accept that a loss is coming, they recover better than when it is unexpected, Cohen says.
Part of anticipatory grief is the expectation of the loss of or change in our identities. For me, I was losing not only a beloved dog, but also my nose work buddy, my traveling companion, my connection to many of my neighbors, my Laguna Beach sidekick. To lots of people, I wasn’t Kim first, I was Harper’s mom.
Cohen says that’s common.
“You walk around and you have certain places you stop because the doorman or the people in the store will give your dog a biscuit, and it’s part of your identity,” she says. “There’s real social interaction that pets give us.”
It’s never easy when we lose our pets to death, but when it occurs at or near the holidays, the grief can be overwhelming. We’re facing what is supposed to be a joyful time with hearts that are heavy. Pet-related ornaments, memories of happier holidays and social media reminders of our missing pets can all bring floods of tears.
Tears can be cathartic, but they aren’t the only way to cope. In a recent webinar, pet loss bereavement specialist Sandra Grossman, Ph.D., shared some ways to get through the holidays for people who are facing the loss of a pet or who lose a pet during a festive season.
Give yourself permission to grieve. Always make time for yourself to remember or mourn your pet in whatever way works for you.
The veterinary clinic, pet supply store or dog park can evoke painful memories. Try to plan holiday errand routes to avoid those places.
Incorporate the loss into the holiday. Have a special ornament made to memorialize the pet, light a special candle for him or her before you light the menorah each evening or take a moment at the holiday dinner table to have everyone share a special memory of the pet.
If you’re currently facing the euthanasia decision, take care of unfinished business such as having a special photo taken or letting your ex come say farewell if he or she were close to the pet, Cohen says. And sign up for a pet loss support group. Talking about your pet with others helps.
After Harper died, we left almost immediately on a long-planned trip, glad that we wouldn’t be at home surrounded by memories of her. We were going to take our time before acquiring another dog or cat. But fate had other plans.
On Dec. 3, 2022, I ran across a social media post about a 10-year-old cavalier in need of a new home. She sounded ideal for us. We brought her home Dec. 21 (uexpress.com/pets/pet-connection/ 2023/01/09), and she was the perfect holiday treatment for two broken hearts. ¦
